3 Signs You're Too Addicted to Video Games.

3 Signs You're Too Addicted to Video Games

#1 - You're Facebook page contains more status updates and pictures about video games than it does about real life. 

Most of us (including me) have done the odd status update to apologise for the humiliating defeat we had on Fifa or uploaded a picture of whatever game we are currently playing. However, for some people these gaming updates and screen shots seem to be the only semblance of life you get from their Facebook page. Obviously, Facebook isn't the be all and end all but when someone has uploaded 50 pictures from Call of Duty yet there isn't a single picture of them in a social setting you can't help but think 'this guy doesn't get out much'. Furthermore, you also get people who will never put a status update mentioning something they have done in the real world but will continually give you oddly specific updates about what they have been doing in a game such as 'currently playing the 360 version of Skyrim after clocking up 300 hours on the PS3 version, has anyone noticed the grass is a slightly different shade of green?'. The answer to that is, no, I hadn't.   

#2 - Your thumbs are the most exercised part of your body. 

Is the rise in popularity of gaming contributing to the rise in childhood obesity? Yeah, probably, but then again so is a load of other stuff. Most people I know that I would consider too addicted to gaming have the skin tone of a Twilight-esque vampire and a body similar to something that goes gooey when you toast it over a bonfire. However, I don't doubt for a second that they would completely kick my arse in a thumb war. This has probably been the case since the N64 came out where to work one of their controllers you needed three thumbs that were each about six inches long and contained bones made out of steel. Unless you own a Nintendo Wii in which case you probably just have a good old-fashioned case of tennis elbow. 

#3 - Your virtual aspirations have overtaken your real aspirations.

You know that South Park episode where the boys are desperately trying to defeat that player on World of Warcraft to the point they basically dedicate their entire lives to the cause? This was the guy they were trying so hard to defeat. 

As usual, South Park was making a pretty good point. 

First Album I Ever Owned.

The First Album I Ever Owned

Me and my friends like to talk about a lot of our firsts. It might be your first kiss, the first time you got drunk or the first time a Dr told you to "get it out so we can see what the problem is". Another first we often discuss is the first album we ever owned because let’s face it, we all had a pretty terrible taste in music at some point. In fact, I still have a terrible taste in music but I mostly keep it hidden. When cool people are telling me about some Indie band I've never heard of who supposedly mix Ska, Funk, Reggae and Soul into an eclectic mix that only people in the know can truly appreciate I just keep my mouth shut and hope I can still get her number by the end of the night.

The first album I ever owned was 'Talk on Corners' by The Corrs. I remember wanting to get this album when I was about 8 after seeing the video for 'What Can I Do?' on television. It wasn't so much the song that drew me in; it was the lead singer Andrea Corr who instantly became my first celebrity crush. Strangely enough, she's actually quite a class act compared to the celebrities I've fancied ever since. The Corrs are made up of three sisters and a brother. The sisters are all incredibly stunning and their brother, Jim, is a completely ordinary looking bloke who thankfully only ever took up about 5 seconds of time on their music videos. Clearly, nobody else wanted to look at him either (poor Jim).

It took me a while to save up for their album because I only got 50p a week pocket money. However, I was eventually able to go to Virgin and buy the album on tape because I didn't yet own one of those new-fangled CD players. To my absolute joy the tape included a mini poster that you could fold out and was separated into four squares that each contained a picture of a different Corr. I was quite handy with a pair of scissors so was quickly able to cut Jim's square out of the poster which, in hindsight, seems unnecessarily harsh. Now and again (far too often) I used to give Andrea's square a little kiss as a testament to my love for her.
The cringe doesn't stop there. When I started dating girls in my teens I used to play 'Talk on Corners' when they came over because it was the only album in my music collection I deemed romantic enough for the situation. Probably because I was a walking cliché and almost everything else I owned was Metal.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GP4Cq3VTagU

Thanks for all the help Andrea. 

Debunking Reasons to Hate Andy Murray.

Reasons to Hate Andy Murray Debunked

I was really happy to see Andy Murray win the US Open the other day. He has been one of my favourite British athletes for quite a while and it is just good to finally see a Brit win a grand slam! However, not everybody seemed to share my enthusiasm. I have noticed that Murray is an athlete who really polarizes opinion. One of the main ways I have noticed is through people posting Facebook status updates criticising him and expressing various negative opinions about his character. These people usually give ridiculous reasons for disliking him that I will now attempt to debunk. 

1st Reason - 'He hates the English and doesn't consider himself British.'

Well, he did once claim that he was going to support anybody except England in the world cup but anyone with a mild understanding of sarcasm would know that this was probably a joke. Furthermore, even if it wasn't a joke I personally couldn't care less whether he was going to support England in the world cup or not. Scotland and England have had a bit of a footballing rivalry forever so saying he would support any team except England is the kind of harmless banter that I would expect from pretty much any Scottish person (or English person if it was vice versa). It is obvious from interviews and reactions I have seen from him that although Murray is proud to be Scottish (and why not?) he does genuinely care about the fact he is representing Britain. Even if he didn't care I would still support him as a British athlete anyway.

2nd Reason - 'He is too grumpy and/or doesn't have a personality.'

One of the things I like about Andy Murray is that asides from the fact he is an amazing tennis player he actually seems like a genuinely ordinary guy. He doesn't have the slick charm of a more popular tennis player like Roger Federer but that is exactly the reason I like him more. In order for him to please the people who refuse to support him for being grumpy and boring it seems he would have to smile for the cameras, showboat for the crowd and say all the cheesy things in interviews that you expect sports people to say that make people think, 'wow, what an inspirational guy'. Well, he probably isn't smiling because he's in the middle of a professional tennis match. The reason he doesn't showboat is because he isn't a cocky twat and he doesn't say what you want because he might feel being the best British tennis player in decades should be enough to impress you. 

3rd Reason - 'He is overrated and has a negative style of play.'

I really like Andy Murray’s style of play because I feel he changes the pace of a match more than most other tennis players whilst using tactics that make you wonder what he's going to do next. Also, he isn't really overrated because he has one gold medal and one grand slam title more than you.     

Oh, there is one reason to hate him. Lucky bastard.

     

Book Review - 'One Day'.

Book Review - 'One Day'


'One Day' by David Nicholls is one of the most disappointing novels I have read in recent history. I thought it was going to be amazing from what friends had told me and reviews I had read about it. Of course, I knew it was going to be light reading due to its mainstream popularity but I'm not a literary snob and lots of my favourite novels could probably be classed as light reading (such as The Time Traveller’s Wife). 

The main reason this novel isn't great is because of the female protagonist, Emma. In his attempts to create a female character that is an 'every woman' type of figure that women can relate to whilst not being threatened by he has created a character that is utterly boring. Her main ability in life seems to be a constant onslaught of dull, sarcastic one-liners. To give him credit, Nicholls has created a character in Emma that I can believe because I have met people like her who use this constant sarcasm as a cover for their obvious insecurities and complete lack of depth. I kept wishing Emma would say or do something that gave her a bit of an edge but she never did, she remained completely flat for the entire novel.

The male protagonist is called Dexter and he makes the novel a little better. He spends most of the novel being a bit of a prick but at least he is remotely interesting. He is more complicated and seems to go through many more interesting experiences than Emma because he is in a constant search for a true happiness that eludes him for the majority of his life. The fact that what he wanted was always in front of him is clearly a huge cliché but this didn't bother me because his life story had been interesting enough to make the obvious ending seem okay.

However, the thing that really saves this novel from being completely rubbish is the ending. It doesn't just end on Dexter and Emma realising that what they wanted was always in front of them. It goes beyond that and ends up asking some good questions about the nature and frailty of life. I won't say any more than that because I don't want to ruin it for you anymore than I already have.

Overall, this is a novel that has the potential to be great but is somewhat ruined by a boring lead character. I give it 5 bananas out of 10.

Dogs in Lima.

Dogs in Lima



They seem to have an unusual relationship with dogs in Peru. Then again, we can be pretty odd about them in the UK too. You know how in the UK young men like to walk around with those snarling, ugly and seemingly inherently stupid breeds that they have clearly got to try and fulfil a stereotypical image of being a council estate hard man but they insist there is nothing wrong with their dog whilst it bares its teeth at anything that walks past and you read yet another article about how these particular breeds have maimed another child but it had "never bitten someone before"? Well, young men in Peru seem to have very different tastes. They prefer to walk around with silly little dogs that they have dressed in ridiculous outfits. Something that is only usually reserved in the UK for attractive young women who have a penchant for mild animal cruelty. If a young guy walked around with one of these Paris Hilton style abominations in the UK I'm pretty sure they would get laughed out of the park. However, I probably prefer this fad slightly to the child maiming breeds that you see outside the Costcutter's of the United Kingdom.

Another thing I have noticed Peru is how people you see walking around that don't own dogs seem to very often be terrified of them. Since I have been here I have been taking a very timid Golden Retriever and a friendly (if not a little annoying) Black Labrador for regular walks. On many occasions one of my dogs has gone and sniffed someone’s shoe only for them to recoil, run away, or in one case actually scream. My only explanation for this is that Peru is absolutely teeming with stray dogs (which can make dog walking quite difficult) and people are scared of getting rabies. But even so, you would think the fact that I'm casually walking them around would be proof enough that they probably don't have rabies. 

One of the favourite breeds of dog in Peru is the 'Peruvian Hairless Dog'. These are probably the ugliest canines I have seen in my life (apart from 'Sam: The Worlds Ugliest Dog'). A couple of times I have had one of these wander up to my dogs and they actually make me feel a bit sick. If you want to understand why I feel like this then just have a gander at one of the little horrors below.

Fancy a lick?

 

Things about Lima.

Things about Lima

About a week ago I arrived for in Lima for my two month stay with my brother and his girlfriend. One of the first things I did was join a gym. This is partly because I hate the thought of two months without proper excercise and partly because I'm a boring creature of habit. My brother lives in a part of Lima that isn't at all touristy. Being a pasty looking Brit is actually something of a rarity and you do get quite a lot of stares for being the only gringo on the street. Yes, I do like the attention. When I joined the gym I therefore knew it was going to be very local. My brothers girlfriend Amy took me to the tiny gym to explain that I couldn't speak a word of Spanish before signing me up and leaving me there. Since then, I have gone four or five times. 

The gym itself is probably the smallest I have ever seen but around half of it is dedicated to free weights. The equipment is all rusted and anything you use makes unhealthy sounding clanging and squeeking sounds. I am literally the only pale foreigner that seems to go there (apart from my brother who has gone once) so I do get a lot of curious stares. There is a large, hairy guy called 'Oki' who works there and shakes my hand everytime I walk past him and another guy who's arm is about as thick as my waist who can speak some broken English, usually to tell me "don't drop weights". 

I haven't actually dropped any weights since going there but the dumbbells are so loose that if you put them down at all quickly they make a loud "clang!". Everytime this happens someone rushes over to explain to explain to me using simple Spanish and universal hand gestures that I musn't drop the weights. This means that I now put weights down after each set with extreme gentleness and precision. Easing them down this slowly with aching arms whilst lying on a bench is actually an excercise in itself but the approving smiles from the locals at the gym assures me that this silly gringo has learnt his lesson.  

It is an absolute cliche for somebody to say this when they go abroad but Peruvians generally do seem to be very kind and polite, especially to someone who speaks no Spanish and has already made a few embarrassing mistakes when out and about. Definitely more patient than I imagine Brits would be to somebody that was bumbling around, not knowing any of the language and ordering three plates of food from a cafe before explaining I only ordered it because I thought it was part of the supermarket deli so I don't actually want any of it. Another cliche would be to say that the women are especially beautiful. When they stare at me in the gym I smile back and pretend they are admiring my perfectly sculpted physique rather than wondering 'where did that little gringo appear from?'

The Man Who Stank of Piss.

The Man Who Stank of Piss


At the beginning of this week I went home to Welshpool for a few days. Welshpool is a quaint little market town set in the idyllic landscape of the Mid-Wales countryside. It's the kind of place where everybody knows everybody. Furthermore, if the locals don't know you they will probably just stop their conversation and stare at you whilst you walk past. Those who are so shocked to see somebody not somehow related to them may even throw out an observational comment such as "ya fuckin dickhead" or just ask you if they can "crash a fag".     


Anyway, I spent a nice few days there before returning on Thursday. When I first got on the train to go back home I was lucky enough to get a seat by myself so I could stretch out a bit and read my book. That was until I got to the first stop at Shrewsbury. A man (probably in his late 30's/early 40's) got on and sat down next to me. I am in no way exaggerating when I say this was the worst smelling person I have ever encountered in my entire life. The stench of stagnant piss immediately hit my nostrils with such violence that I was forced to drop the book and quickly move my head towards the window with a hand subtly placed over both nostrils. I tried breathing through my mouth but it was as if I could literally taste the sour urine. 


Why didn't I just move straight away? Well, I would have had to get my bag from the overhead rack and for some insane reason I felt I couldn't bring myself to make it so obvious I was moving away from him. Instead, I waited for the next stop which seemed to take forever to come. People around me were asking questions such as "is it just me or does it smell of piss on here?" and "what's that fucking smell?". Of course, I knew where it was coming from but I was instantly paranoid they would think it was me. Along with the genuine feeling of nausea and a urine smell induced headache it was a very uncomfortable few minutes (seemed like hours). 


Do you know that Jasper Carrott sketch where he talks about how the nutter on the bus always sits next to him? I know exactly how he feels. If there is someone on public transport who is highly intoxicated, openly aggressive, having a breakdown or just smells or urine they will always choose the bloody seat next to me. There are a multitude of reasons why somebody might not be able to look after their hygiene but when the man who smelt of urine got onto that train why was he always going to sit next to me? Maybe its karma for writing nasty posts like this. I got some good karma from helping an elderly woman get something from a top shelf in Sainsbury's today though.  Afterwards, she looked me up and down and said, "I'm surprised you could reach it". 


Nutter on the bus sketch.