Saturday, 21 July 2012

The Man Who Stank of Piss.

The Man Who Stank of Piss


At the beginning of this week I went home to Welshpool for a few days. Welshpool is a quaint little market town set in the idyllic landscape of the Mid-Wales countryside. It's the kind of place where everybody knows everybody. Furthermore, if the locals don't know you they will probably just stop their conversation and stare at you whilst you walk past. Those who are so shocked to see somebody not somehow related to them may even throw out an observational comment such as "ya fuckin dickhead" or just ask you if they can "crash a fag".     


Anyway, I spent a nice few days there before returning on Thursday. When I first got on the train to go back home I was lucky enough to get a seat by myself so I could stretch out a bit and read my book. That was until I got to the first stop at Shrewsbury. A man (probably in his late 30's/early 40's) got on and sat down next to me. I am in no way exaggerating when I say this was the worst smelling person I have ever encountered in my entire life. The stench of stagnant piss immediately hit my nostrils with such violence that I was forced to drop the book and quickly move my head towards the window with a hand subtly placed over both nostrils. I tried breathing through my mouth but it was as if I could literally taste the sour urine. 


Why didn't I just move straight away? Well, I would have had to get my bag from the overhead rack and for some insane reason I felt I couldn't bring myself to make it so obvious I was moving away from him. Instead, I waited for the next stop which seemed to take forever to come. People around me were asking questions such as "is it just me or does it smell of piss on here?" and "what's that fucking smell?". Of course, I knew where it was coming from but I was instantly paranoid they would think it was me. Along with the genuine feeling of nausea and a urine smell induced headache it was a very uncomfortable few minutes (seemed like hours). 


Do you know that Jasper Carrott sketch where he talks about how the nutter on the bus always sits next to him? I know exactly how he feels. If there is someone on public transport who is highly intoxicated, openly aggressive, having a breakdown or just smells or urine they will always choose the bloody seat next to me. There are a multitude of reasons why somebody might not be able to look after their hygiene but when the man who smelt of urine got onto that train why was he always going to sit next to me? Maybe its karma for writing nasty posts like this. I got some good karma from helping an elderly woman get something from a top shelf in Sainsbury's today though.  Afterwards, she looked me up and down and said, "I'm surprised you could reach it". 


Nutter on the bus sketch.

Monday, 9 July 2012

PGCE, Peru and Phones.

PGCE, Peru and Phones.


Those who know me will have recently heard me mostly banging on about two things. The first is that I recently successfully completed my PGCE (yay!), the second is that I have just booked my flights for my two month trip to Peru (more yay!). Amongst all this enjoyment is just one tiny little bee in my bonnet. T-Mobile have somehow managed to change me from an 18 month contract to a 24 month contract without me knowing about it. Oh well. 


I am mostly looking forward to Peru because this year I have been one of those boring people who works all the time. When I first got into teaching I thought that placement would probably involve staying in school until around half 5 to get my paperwork done. Unknown to me, placement would consist of staying up until about midnight every night to finish everything that needed to be done (planning, assessment, Uni work etc). The times I wasn't on placement were a bit easier but the Uni side was often quite boring to be honest. Teaching also has a lot of great points, mostly the fact that children are hilarious, but its fair to say I need a bloody holiday. 


When I say children are hilarious I mean it in that cheesy 'kids say the funniest things' sort of way. I can have quite an immature sense of humour which I was pretty good at hiding from the children I taught. I was actually quite a strict teacher for the most part. Although there were times when it was okay for the class to be a bit chaotic I generally preferred quite a calm atmosphere in my classroom. However, getting 30 children to create a calm atmosphere can often only be achieved by the teacher being not quite so calm. Basically, I mastered the scary look and scary voice every teacher needs to be a disciplinarian. 


However, now and again I would let myself drop to their level a bit. When I was teaching last week I overheard one of the year 6 girls in my class gossiping to her friends about another girl in the class. I said,


"Don't you think it would be better for everyone if you kept opinions like that to yourself and only talk about people you have nice things to say about?" To which she responded,


"Well, when you're with your friends do you talk about people you don't like?"


"Yeah, I guess so."


"So what's the problem then? We all do it."


She had a fair point to be honest. This is why I shouldn't always try to reason with children.



Saturday, 30 June 2012

Obscure Games From My Childhood.

Obscure Games I Obsessed Over as a Child (Part One)


When I was a kid me and my brother loved video games but due to coming from a single parent family with little money we never had the latest consoles or the latest games. Instead, we usually had to trawl through the bargain bins of second hand game shops to find a new game to master for the 5 or so 'new' games we got a year. We played 'Fifa 98: Road to the World Cup' for about 4 years and by the end could easily win a world cup on world class mode playing as San Marino using only the mouse, yes, we were that cool. Anyway, here are some of the more obscure games I ended up becoming a little obsessed with. 


1 - Toki: Going Ape Spit (Megadrive).


I have mentioned this game previously on my blog. You are a monkey that spits at other animals. Firstly, that is the greatest gaming concept I have ever heard of. Secondly, it was a brilliantly annoying game. It was irritating for a number of reasons; I remember that it took me ages to complete it but it refused to give me the 'proper' ending until I had completed it on hardest difficulty. If you completed it on easy or medium you were simply told something like 'well done, try a harder setting'. Back in the days of 8/16 bit games you were given such little reward for all your time and effort. It taught us a valuable lesson though, don't try. 



2 - Ignition (PC).

Ignition cost us about £5 brand new and was sort of a rip off of Micro Machines. It was also very easy to complete. However, that didn't stop us from playing it to fucking death. Me and my brother mastered every track to the point of when we raced two player there would be about half a second in it. I'm pretty sure the track selection was limited to about 6 tracks and there was very little to unlock. One of my friends convinced me you could unlock a car that was a stick of dynamite on wheels, he was lying. 


3 - Blades of Vengeance (Megadrive).

This was your standard hack and slash adventure game. You could be a wizard, a man in pants with an axe or a woman in a bikini with a sword. I always chose the scantily clad woman which was probably a sign of things to come. It was so bloody difficult that I sometimes used to shout in frustration and my Dad would have to have a word with me about "taking games to seriously, if your not having fun there's no point in playing them". I never took heed of his advice though. I would hit the restart button and settle myself in for another 3 hours of anger management failure. 


4 - Time Lord (NES).

This game really was a pile of shit and I'm pretty sure I never actually got past level 3 but that didn't stop me from wasting hours of my life on it. You played a generic hero who travelled through different periods of time to collect some red orbs. I think the first 3 levels were the future, medieval times and the wild west. I was desperate to know what time period level 4 was going to be so I just spent hours wandering around in the limbo of the wild west level 3. The controls, graphics and music were all completely terrible. I've just had a quick Google and level 4 would have been the Caribbean in 1650. What the hell.


5 - Blake Stone: Aliens of Gold (PC).

There were lots of classic first person shooters back in the mid 90's, this isn't one of them. I'm debating to myself as to whether the cover art for the game was worse than that of 'Time Lord'. On both you have the archetypal camp hero posing next to some sort of generic monster. Nowadays, being a gamer is the norm and kids would probably be considered a bit weird for not playing them. However, all you have to do is look at 'Blake Stone' or the 'Time Lord' to realise just how uncool video games were back then. This is pretty much why I love games like 'Blake Stone' and hate 'Call of Duty'. 


6 - Batman and Robin Cartoon Maker (PC).

I spent so many hours of my childhood making cartoons on this. I was even sad enough to rope my Dad and sister into providing some of the voices for me. You could record them into a microphone to play alongside the different parts of your episode you had created. This was one of the early starts of my interest in creative writing although having Batman walk onto a screen followed by The Joker then there being lots of explosions and shouting probably isn't particularly creative. My lucky Dad would always be the first person to watch my masterpieces. He was always fairly honest, "I like the explosions but there doesn't seem to be much of a storyline Freddie". 






Sunday, 24 June 2012

Next Stage.

Next Stage


I had my final placement observation on Friday and I passed! This means that I have pretty much passed the course overall *touch wood* as long as I don't completely fuck up from now on. So what next? Well,


Firstly, I have been trying to get back into shape. Since placement my lack of eating well, sleeping enough and doing exercise means I have dropped to my lowest weight all year. With most the stress of the course out the way I have already had time to begin working on this. I am eating a lot more calories than I was previously and, of course, eating some protein rich foods (raw eggs don't taste nice). I have also started a more regular workout regime and my god I can tell I'm out of shape. Previously, I had got up to using 30kg dumbbells when I did bench presses but I have had to go back down to 25kg and even that is a struggle. I have introduced some cardio to my routine just to get my general fitness levels up but I am finding sprinting even for just 5 minutes pretty difficult. The great thing about exercise though is you can almost immediately feel the effects. Even after one weekend I feel the best I have felt in a couple of months.


I am planning to go to Peru at the end of July for about two months. My older brother lives there with his girlfriend and has kindly agreed I can stay there. I am viewing it as a bit of a test to see if I would like to move abroad myself in the near future. I don't have many concrete ideas but working abroad is one of the main ones I am considering. The best thing about passing PGCE for me is that it opens up these kind of doors for me. At the moment, being able to sleep is also one of the best things about my life. I have had such little of it this past year that I am now fully indulging myself. I have rediscovered the ultimate joys of daytime napping. I am a simple man, sleeping lots and eating  lots is often enough to keep me happy. 


As for what I'm reading, 'Wide Open' by Nicola Barker. It's good enough to be worth finishing but I am more excited about the next book I have lined up which is 'Room' by Emma Donoghue. It's one of those novels that I can tell is going to be good just from reading the blurb. I have been listening to a lot of Benny Banks, he isn't a particularly talented rapper but he uses good beats and sometimes I like the childish arrogance of his lyrics. He can be witty with his wordplay when he wants to be and there is a touch of self deprecation that I tend to like with any rapper. I am off to watch England play Italy in a few minutes. I expect the game to be close with maybe a one-nil win for Italy. England did well to win their group but...it's still England. I see that lots of people are reading that shitty looking erotica '50 Shades of Grey'. If I wrote about my love life it would be more of 'An Assortment of Beige', probably.  

Friday, 8 June 2012

A Grand Day Out.

A Grand Day Out

Today I went into town. I feel kind of ill/lethargic so I thought I would indulge in some retail therapy to cheer myself up. 


However, the first thing I needed to do was mail my dissertation to my dad. My degree is in Creative Writing and my dissertation was autobiographical. A lot of it is memories of my dad so it probably makes sense that I send it to him for some critique (trust me, he really will critique it). I was in the queue at the post office for aaagggeees! Behind me was a man who kept leaning forward so his face was level with mine, looking around and tutting loudly. In front of me was a large woman who kept craning her neck around to stare directly into my face (maybe I'm just paranoid). Three places behind me was a drunk Jamaican man who kept indulging anyone unfortunate enough to enter his eye line with conversation about how he had seen them on t.v. during the jubilee celebrations. When he spoke to one poor bloke he said "you my man, I saw you too my friend but you were on Crimewatch." I quite liked that one.


Next I went to New Look and brought some shoes for placement. I hate buying clothes for placement because they are so boring but it needs to be done. I love the women that work in there though, even more than I love Topshop girls! For my 'treat' I brought myself this shirt from Topman.



This is my first denim shirt. I'm a bit late to the party but happy with it none-the-less.

I was also relieved to find out that I can no longer comfortably fit into XS sized clothes. That's right, I have now reached the dizzying heights of S. I'm not sure if my years of eating like a fat person despite being so slim are slowly catching up with me or if my dedication to the gym is finally turning me into the ripped Adonis I imagine myself to be. I like to think the latter. 


  

Sunday, 27 May 2012

A Geeky White Boys Guide to Rap.

My Favourite Rappers

People assume two things. The first is that I probably listen to Indie rock and like Muse. I don't really know what Indie rock is and I have only ever liked one Muse song (Bliss). The second is that rap music is a bunch of idiots going on about guns and arses. Well, if you have only listened to 50 Cent I can forgive you for thinking that. Here are a few rappers that are amazing lyricists, have incredible technical ability and will maybe broaden your musical horizons just a little bit.

#1 - Akala

My favourite rapper of all time. Listening to one Akala song will educate you more than the whole discography of Metallica. He is incredibly politically and socially conscious and addresses a huge range of issues in his music.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjvUMr1-AAU

#2 - Logic

Similar to Akala but which much simpler lyrics and a very different technical style (slower). He also tends to address political issues in his music and I like him because there is something very humble about him. He doesn't really try that hard to be clever, he just gives the simple facts as he sees them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNlL3dyLAyk

#3 - Stubborn

Hasn't released that much material but his SB.TV freestyle is definitely one of my favourites. His lyrics really strike a cord with me and you can tell that he really means everything he says. His voice can be slightly annoying but I find that the impact of his music makes up for this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBTmb4xwUmI

#4 - Elro

This guy breaks every bloody stereotype in the book. He is a chubby white guy with a double chin and a posh accent who raps about completely random/inane topics. His lyrics are actually very clever though due to his incredible word play. "Rick Rosstrich."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mx-C0tFa8YM

#5 - English Frank

If I saw this guy walking towards me I would probably shit my pants. However, the more you analyse his lyrics the more you realise he is promoting peace, love and kindness. He is the rap equivalent of the kind of people you see in Guy Ritchie films.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XctIKFATSnA

There are many more I could reference; Benny Banks, Hopsin, Lowkey, Giggs, Kreayshawn, Split Prophets etc.  I wont though.

Saturday, 19 May 2012

Dystopian Fiction.

Dystopian Fiction 


I love dystopian fiction and with books like 'The Hunger Games' becoming large franchises it is starting to experience something of a resurgence. These are my personal favourite dystopian novels.


#1 - Brave New world - Aldous Huxley.


I read this novel when I was sixteen and it was the first book that got me into 'serious reading'. Before reading this my small interest in literature was heavily shadowed by rock music and video games, how quickly this changed. Brave New World is what I view as the most accurate depiction of the way that western society is going. It was first published in 1932 and Huxley was amazingly accurate with many of his predictions. One of these is the concept of designer children. Huxley created a world where people are engineered to fit whichever role they are going to fulfil in life. Nobody feels the need to escape from this scientifically engineered caste system because they have all been bred to to want nothing more than what they have. As a sixteen year old (and still now) I viewed this as a much more realistic depiction of population control than 'Nineteen Eighty-Four' in which people are scared and monitored into submission. However, both have their truths, of course.


#2 - The Road - Cormac McCarthy.


This novel focuses less on it's dystopian elements and more on a story of survival, both mental and physical, of a father and son amidst a dystopian backdrop. It doesn't make any assumptions about the relationship between father and son, it just puts them into an extreme situation and allows the reader to view and make their own decision about it. I love this novel because it gives us a beautiful depiction of this type of relationship without being at all sentimental. However, I know people who have got completely different things out of the novel. The dystopian aspects are left completely unanswered and for this story it works.


#3 - The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood.


Atwood is a master of her art but writes with a completely humble style. She is one of those writers you can enjoy whether you are completely wordy and into literature or if you barely read at all. This is because it works on different levels. I do find that some of the dystopian aspects of this novel have become somewhat dated but I enjoyed seeing it from the viewpoint of a female character and a female writer. The most I got from this novel is the personal story of survival of the main character 'Offred'. Like Atwood's writing style, she is a humble character that we can all relate to. It also looks a the dangers that can come of repressing female sexuality, something Atwood (a feminist herself) opposed of many feminist groups at the time.


#4 - Nineteen Eighty-Four - George Orwell.


Of course I had to include this in the list. Although I do not consider this the religiously accepted leader of dystopian fiction as many do it is still a great novel. You can link many of the novels themes to things going on right now such as the rise in multiple types of surveillance on the general public and the supposed 'war on terror'. This is your bread and butter of dystopian fiction and should be read by anyone interested in literature because it makes you think and question the world you live in. However, as I said previously, Huxley did it better.


#5 - Watchmen - Alan Moore.


I don't read many graphic novels because most I have looked at are fairly badly written. However, Alan Moore is of a different class and 'Watchmen' deserves all the attention it gets. Also, Rorschach is definitely one of my icons. 


How can you not love this guy?